I have been sitting with what truly means to be authentic. Is it just showing up as you are, even when you feel empty, sad, or angry? Is it about the expression of your voice, true to yourself without wanting or trying to imitate someone else? Is it also about the written expression and how it comes out naturally?
I find it, in my story, all of those to be true. Perhaps they do not happen at the same time. Maybe little by little you work on one, then another appears, and so on. The truth is, when choosing to be your authentic self, you are letting go of any expression that was not yours, so all communications from your being can be expressed as they simply are: YOURS.
Throughout my life, I saw glimpses of my authenticity. At times I embraced it, and at times I felt so ashamed of it because it was “too different” from the rest. In my childhood, being different, from my perspective, was not celebrated, but made fun of. Whoever was doing something completely different than someone else, was a nerd, or stupid. Which when we tap into the vibrations of the last word, it is deep. It can go so deep in your system to cause you harm from that point on. Well, that was the case with me.
I was the girl that hung out with the boys. They were so down to earth and truly just wanted to enjoy the moment and have fun. Girls talked shit about each other and were so incredibly mean. I can still see in my eye, the looks some of the girls gave me. Pure evil eyes. So how was I going to hang out with them? First, I didn’t feel welcomed or safe around, and second, they did things I didn't enjoy. I became the one girl that all the other girls talked about. Yet, part of me didn’t care, until they began to say really nasty things about me, which hurt deeply.
Thinking about it now, with all the wisdom I have acquired through my journey, I can see their own pain and also defense mechanism. But, as such a sensitive little being back then, I just absorbed the whole thing without knowing how to have an outlet of expression and letting go. I lost myself in the expression of myself that would not cost me pain with others, not realizing the internal pain was going to cost me greatly.
I hid so much, at moments I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. In safe spaces, I would let my whole self come out and play. In unsafe places, I would just play the game of being the human people wanted me to be. This let me to waves of depression and anxiety. Waves of bulimia and anorexia and a HUGE wave of self-distorted image. You see, what was said about me, the way it was said, the expression in which it was said, created this big story in my head that I wasn’t safe being me, and more importantly, I didn’t deserve to live.
It was so much to the point that I distorted my own image. I was disgusted with myself and all I wanted at times, was to change myself. My physical self. And well, lucky for me, that is not much of an option. I say lucky because I was blessed to have all those experiences as a kid. Simply because they took me so deep in my shadows that the only way out of it was to embrace it all. Freaking hard let me tell you. I am sure you know if you have been on a similar journey to mine. Walking in my shadows showed me my truth; my authenticity. It was my rebirth. The beginning of a life that I couldn’t have even imagined.
It is so funny when we talk about rebirth. In my head I go like, “Rebirth #....” I’ve lost count if I am completely honest. I’ve lost count. I actually just went through one this past Lion’s Gate, which brought up an even more authentic way of love. Understanding that I do not love like others, or maybe I do, but have no idea how they do. And who cares anyways how others love? What matters is how I love. What matters is how I express my love to myself and others. What matters is how I say it, how I write it, how I show it. The rest… let me just let it all flow. Let it flow.
This life is not meant to copy others. You are a unique expression of life. This unique expression has its own way of thinking, being, doing, dancing, laughing, crying, loving, resting, etc. An expression that is meant to be celebrated. An expression so uniquely amazing that it awes everyone else, including yourself. Sure, perhaps at some moments of your life, that expression was hurt, hurt to the point it needed to hide in order to feel safe. The thing is, you are not living that anymore, at least I’d hope you are not. And you can actually choose,
“Do I want to express myself authentically? Or not?” (I feel we all do)
Perhaps you feel you have no idea how that feels or looks. I bet you do know how it doesn’t feel or look. So, start there. There were so many instances in my Spiritual Awakening that I had no idea who I was, or how to be. I embraced that, and still did the best to show up as I felt in that moment was authentic to me, discarting what did not feel good to me. Until it took me to where I am, writing these words to you and also to myself. And this current expression will not be the last. We constantly change. I will not be the same being tomorrow morning or in an hour. I might go through more rebirths in those hours shifting my authenticity. That doesn't mean I am not authentic at this moment, but that I recognize that I am constantly evolving. So are you.
So, give yourself some grace. Have patience with whatever process you are going through. Be curious about the being that you are and the one that you are becoming. Curiosity has such a wonderful way of making things more enjoyable. Invite more of that, and let life surprise you, so you can surprise yourself with the deep self-love you have always had.
Con amor,
Rukmani
Remember Your Roots