Ayer escribí y pregunté porqué me sentía como me sentía y después de recibir el mensaje, hice un shake para mí y para Amor pero no tomé mucho por el mensaje recibido: calienta un poco de Cacao y haz una ceremonia pequeña.
(Yesterday I wrote and asked why I was feeling the way I was feeling and after receiving the message, I made a shake for me and Amor, but I didn't have so much of it because of what the message was: heat up a bit of Cacao and have a small ceremony.)
Magia pasó la verdad. Me fui al cuarto para hacer la ceremonia. Me senté donde me siento para meditar todas las mañanas y todas la noches. Abrí mi espacio sagrado y empecé a beber de la Mami Cacao. Ella me empezó a hablar y me decía
"No tengas miedo."
Porque literalmente, estaba apunto de orinarme y parte de mi no quería hacerla, porque sabía que algo mayor se iba a abrir. Pero pues, esa era la meta, la apertura 👉 jaja esto es italiano... de mi ser. Así que empecé a surrender more. Seguí bebiendo y en un instante la Mami me dijo
"Pon innerdance music".
(Magic happened, truly. I went to the room to have the ceremony. I sat down where I always sit to meditate every morning and every night. I opened Sacred Space and I began to drink from Mami Cacao. She started to talk to me and said,
"Don't be scared"
Because literally, I was about to pee my pants. Part of me didn't want to do it because I knew something major was going to open... but... anyways... that was the point, the opening of my being. So, I began to surrender more. I continued to drink and at one moment, Mami said,
"Put some innerdance music".)
Agarré mi celular y la canción que fue elegida fue para el tercer ojo.
"Ok"
dije en voz alta. La música empezó. Yo todavía seguía sentada tomando el cacao. Mi cuerpo se empezó a mover, especialmente mi cuello y brazos hasta que terminé de beber y la Mami me dijo que me echara. Ahí empezó el súper journey.
(I grabbed my phone and the song that was chosen was the one for the third eye.
"Ok"
I said outloud. The music began. I was still sitting down drinking cacao. My body started to move, specially my neck and arms until I finished the drink and Mami told me to lay down. That's where the super journey commenced.)
Ok... poner palabras al journey de innerdance realmente no es tan fácil; como que limita el journey itself, pero en fin... me eché en la cama que está al frente de mi altar y me di cuenta que también los de mi altar me estaban guiando y cheering me on... mis cheerleaders personales. 😂🤗
(Ok... to put words to an innerdance journey truly is not easy; it's almost as if it limits the journey itself, but anyways... I laid down on the bed that is in front of my altar and I noticed that the ones that are in it, were also guiding me and cheering me on... my personal cheerleaders. 😂🤗)
El principio del journey fue más interno, sin tantos movimientos de mi cuerpo físico. Aveces mis brazos se movían, aveces mi torso se elevaba como un globo, pero nada intenso como lo "normal". 😜
(The beginning of the journey was internal without much movement of my physical body. At times, my arms would move, at times my torso would rise up as a balloon going up to the sky, but nothing intense like the "normal". 😜)
La Mami me enseñó lo que me estaba bloqueando 👉 yo misma. La pared que había construido entre realmente mi verdad y la quien creo ser. Esta pared era súper chica que hasta podría sólo levantar una pierna, pasar y pasar con la otra. Simple.
(Mami showed me what was blocking me, or should I say who 👉 myself. The wall I had build in between my truth and who I believe to be. This wall was super small. I could even go over it like no big deal. Simple.)
Yet it wasn't that simple! My little self of four years old was playing on the other side of this little wall. She seemed to be playing alone, but I knew better. She was talking to our guides and angels; laughing and "playing" with energy. She was grabbing things energetically and bringing them into the physical plane. It was quite fascinating to see it from another perspective.
She stops and looks at me.
"Who are you? "
She asked, not scared at all, just curious.
"I am you"
I replied
"No, you are bigger. I'm small"
I laughed at the response.
"Are you lonely?"
I asked her
"Not at all - she replied amused - I'm never alone. I always have my friends around. We are playing. Do you wanna play with us?"
"Sure"
I said.
"Come over the wall"
She said to me.
As soon as she said that, I realized I was completely paralyzed. What seemed as such a simple task, was so incredibly difficult.
"I can't"
I replied
"What do you mean? It's not even a tall wall"
She said confused.
I looked down embarrassed and sad.
I felt her hand move as she placed her right palm in front of her little chest, facing me and without moving it, I sensed her reaching my heart, almost as she were Mrs. Incredible and she had elongated her arm just to reach my heart.
"There is so much sadness within you and distrust"
She said in such a sad little girl's voice.
"I know"
I replied.
"Why?"
She asked.
"I'm scared to go beyond who I think I am"
I answered her question.
"There is no reason to be scared"
She said as I felt a tiny little smile form on her face.
"Everything is magical. You create magic, you play with magic, you ARE magic. What is there to be scared of? Your existence itself is magical"
What a wise little me.
My chin moved up and I looked into her eyes. They were beaming, rays of light were coming out of them, as they were light themselves.
I smiled at her and saw the compassion she had for me in those beautiful eyes of hers and in her entire "little" being. At that moment, I felt her and I become one through the heart and like a beam that might seem a teleportation devise, our energy as a whole traveled upwards.
I found myself in front of my contract. It was shinning so bright like the last time I had seen it. I read it, things that perhaps weren't even words, but it had been translated so my current Self in this physical body could understand. I read the events that were gonna shape my life, including the one memory that was going to change EVERYTHING and make me distrust, forgetting the truth of who I am.
"You had designed it all even before you came to be. All the bliss, all the sadness, all the pain, all the silliness. Specifically to help you forget and guide you to remember. You are not a victim. You had chosen it all. YOU. It had been you ALL along"
I heard Mother speak.
At that moment, a wave of emotions moved through me as I completely understood. It wasn't a concept any longer, but the absolute and mere truth.
Me
Me
It had been me.
This entire life began to flash before my eyes as a movie. I saw myself playing, crying, yelling, being pissed, sad. I saw myself during all the "hard" parts of my life, my depression, leaving Vegas, the divorce; going through what I thought was unbearable pain into awakening, my powers coming back ... loving myself and understanding where I come from.
"You had always been the architect of your life. You designed it all"
Said Mother.
I understood. I understood beyond my mind; I understood with my heart. I had, I had designed it all. ALL OF IT for me, to remember, to know, to experience. It had been me all along. As I came to the full awareness of the truth, I was taken to the zero point of existence with such gratitude, compassion and unconditional love for myself.
My physical body began to move; my chest rose in preparation for a backbend. My heart ached as the memory that made me distrust everything was shown to me. Tears came out; yells of pain came out. My body moved in pain on the bed. My arms moved back and as my chest rose, it guided my neck to expose itself to the Heavens and I began to scream.
The scream of the little girl that had kept everything in.
The scream of freedom.
The scream of the victim I had felt.
The scream of victory.
I had done it. I had done it and I was moving in awareness to my truth as I was still in another level of consciousness yet at the same time, tied to the sensations of my physical body.
I returned to where I had been seeing my contract. As I was done reading it, I moved my left arm to reach the contract and sign it. Simultaneously, my left arm in this plane moved and we both signed it. It said,
Rukmani Kaur
As soon as I was done, while I was still looking at my contract, I heard a voice.
"We'll do this together"
Oh... I know this voice. My entire being recognized this voice. I looked to my right as he held my hands and smiled at me.
Amor
Amor
"Yes, I know we will"
I said internally, knowing that together we can achieve everything.
"Yes we will"
Came a voice from my left and I turned.
Matt
Matt
Matt
I went to him and hugged him as our life together played. I cried, my physical body cried knowing that everything we had gone through, every single little thing, we had both designed. There was no more guilt, but understanding and the unconditional love we share. The movie kept playing, playing above us as we continued to hug and share our hearts.
"Oh God. I love you so much"
I said through my heart.
I felt him smile and say,
"As do I"
At the very moment we released each other from the hug, I looked in front of me as this voice said,
"Yes, we WILL!"
Super certain, like she always is.
Ali!
My heart, my heart melted and at that same moment, I knew. I SO knew that we had designed our meeting here on Earth, that everything had to happened as it did so we could get to know each other and help one another wake up.
Oh, that smile. Oh my Lord. Oh my heart.
MY heart.
I looked around me seeing them, seeing my besties, my love, my partners in this awakening process and I knew. I knew exactly at that moment that when I was coming into this existence, I was looking at them as they looked like shooting stars, in the transition, telling them that we are working together and we have a lot of work to do.
We held hands and our energies/beings shot up like beams, meeting at the "center" point. When this happened, there was an explosion of light going in every direction, and then...
Nothing
Nothingness
Emptiness
Darkness
I came back to my young Self. I touched the tiny little wall with the tip of one finger and it completely collapsed becoming ashes. She looked up smiling at me as I moved towards her. I became her. She was no longer outside but within. It was me the one talking to Guides and Angels. It was me playing with energy.
It had always been ME.
All these things began to shift in my physical body. It continued to move and to do backbends, to scream, to get in the fetal position and to hold my head as if the most painful thing was coming out.
YES!
Yes it was!
The strongest and "hardest" block there had been to release, had collapsed and my physical body was going through the change and the exit of that energetic block.
I had been in physical pain, emotional pain and all pains possible during an innerdance session, yet this pain surpassed them all.. almost all. It was so similar to my very first innerdance group session in Koh Phangan, where a big release led me to channeling.
Gosh, so similar. So painful.
My body began to facilitate itself... and at times we disregard the intelligence of our bodies... At one moment, my hands moved to my throat and helped stuck energy move and release. I felt like I was shocking. I couldn't breathe, yet I relaxed. I relaxed because I knew this was for the best of me, for my growth and for my path of consciousness.
I started to roll around on the bed; roll around in pain. My physical body wanted to make sense of what in the world was happening. As I found myself in a fetal position, I stayed there catching my breath. Then, with the aid of both hands, I sat up and my head commenced to move so quick side to side, up and down until my throat was exposed again to the sky and I screamed.
I screamed.
I screamed.
There have been times where I had toned down the screaming because of our neighbors. This time, it wasn't even an option, nor I wanted to do such thing. The scream of liberation was still coming through. The scream of the young child, of the lonely child that wanted to be heard yet was scared to speak up. The scream of the full awareness of a being that was rooting itself to a physical body.
The scream of
Finally I am free from my own boundaries
The scream of surrender, love, gratitude and compassion for whom I had been and for whom I was becoming.
The rebirth of my truth through a sound healing journey led by my own consciousness and the unconditional love of the Mother, of my Mami Cacao.
As the music softened reaching its end, my body laid on the bed exhausted; barely being able to breathe. Energy was still moving around, putting at ease a body that a couple seconds ago was freaking the fuck out.
BREATH
BREATH
Breath that was guiding me to fully come back to this reality with the full awareness of the totality of the experiences that had set me free.
Freedom from my past
Freedom from my own judgement
Freedom from expectations
Freedom from guilt
FREEDOM
Utterly and complete
FREEDOM
Awareness through innerdance