I find myself sitting in front of my iPad writing because I have this need for a big connection. Perhaps like the human system wants to feel loved and not alone, my system is longing for that. However, it is a different kind of connection. It is the “I understand” kind, the “I feel for you” kind, the “I understand what it feels like to want to see love in a different way than it’s been shown” kind. Perhaps it is being showed in the way I want to see it, but not in the degree I am expecting it. As my system tries to understand and even more ... to see with different eyes, I sit here allowing the words to come because I feel lost.
This is something some Masters have said not to say, just like “I don’t know,” “I can’t,” and “I’m confused,” but the thing is, I must honor my own feelings and that is the absolute truth. I do feel lost at this moment in time regarding a specific topic which is “Perceiving Love.”
I grew up in a very traditional Hispanic family. My family is very welcoming, very loving, very caring. This does not mean that other families aren’t, but mine shows it deeply. Kisses left and right, hugging, holding hands, etc. That is the way. So for me this is how I perceived love, as that was the love I grew up around and saw my entire life. However, does that mean THAT’S love? Highly unlikely. I am learning that what I perceive as love or even any other thing is not exactly how others see it. Which becomes such a shock in my system because the way I had received love for pretty much my entire life, is “non-existent.” I put these words in quotation marks because the love is super existent. I feel it and very deeply. My mind understands it but my emotional body goes through a specific shock once in a while because it wants more.
Now, is that some kind of programming? How can I deprogram my system from this?
I do have to admit that breaking codes and deprogramming my system is quite fun and exciting. However this very specific topic hits home really hard. My emotional body gets activated and it takes me back to deep deep hurts from my childhood. All these things get activated and my organism goes into freak out mode. Not something easy to get out of, especially when the roots of how you felt as a kid get triggered and the child within wants to hide. Allow me to elaborate.
As a kid, I never felt good enough. I was the chubby of the family so there was a constant battle in my head about how I look and how society and my family wanted me to look. At least that’s how I felt. The not good enough triggers the “do they like me?” question and then it goes into “I feel completely horrible and I just want to hide” mind state. So I do. I absolutely do. I go into my cancer shell and hide because the part of me that doesn’t know how to face the world comes up and takes over. This doesn’t happen a lot. It truly didn’t happen often until recently.
In the past three weeks this part of me has been activated twice, leaving me in a state where I couldn’t function. So I sat there with the feelings acknowledging them, but they absolutely took over and now I know exactly why.
There is this perception of the Twinflame journey being all unicorns, rainbows and butterflies. However, even though yes that is big a part of it, there is also the complete opposite. The Twinflame journey is all about Self-Growth. It is the path of Self-Realization and it is not very gentle at all. Your counterpart does an extremely good job at mirroring to you your deep hurts and triggers. When the awareness is there in the sense that it has nothing to do with him or her, it becomes easier to work with such information. However, at times it’s harsh and it will just give it to you like no other. Such is the case of what I was explaining above.
Amor and I grew up completely different. COMPLETELY. I am putting it in caps so you understand how extremely different it was. The way we were shown love growing up was in different extremes. While my parents hugged me, kissed me and held my hand, his parents showed their kind of love with their own unique presence. Neither of them are right. They are just what they are. Each human being has its unique way of allowing the organism to express itself and they are all beautiful. My organism shows it with affection, with little details, with being of service to the ones I love. It is quite obvious when I love someone and I have no problem whatsoever saying it out loud multiple times. It’s just the way I am. So in a sense, my system wants the same thing as it has received throughout its entire existence so far. Well that is not always the case and the reason behind it is that we all have a different way of defining what love is.
I found myself in this battle between my mind and my emotional body. My mind understood it finely. I know how Amor operates, I know how his family is, and it makes absolute sense for him to be the way he is. However, my emotional body lost it. Everything it had thought was love was questioned.
“Is he not hugging me because he doesn’t love me?” My emotional body asked.
“Of course he loves you and you know this.” My mind replied.
“But... he is not holding my hand. Even my dad still holds my hand,” said the emotional body.
“And? He is not your dad and he has his own way of loving you. You know this,” replied the mind.
“I want to understand it but it confuses me. Why can’t it just be how I want it to be?”
“Because it involves another being not just yourself. And we cannot force others to feel the same way.”
“I just want to be hugged. I want to feel safe. I want to be in the same space I have always been.”
“Perhaps this is an opportunity for growth.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have been used to a way for so long.. yes that is true. But what about expanding beyond that.”
“Beyond love?”
“Beyond your definition of love.”
“Is it wrong?”
“No. There isn’t a right or wrong way to love. It just is.”
“I’m confused”
“Rather than going into a space of victim, of “Does he actually love me?,” why not explore what the two of you can create and define your own love?”
“Ah... that does sound exciting”
“Mm hmm”
“And unique.”
“Yes.”
“I like it”
“Do you feel better meow?”
“Yes. And thank you for using the meow.”
“I know you quite well.”
“Of course you do. Thank you. I don’t feel lost anymore. I actually feel at ease and myself. Somehow by you talking to me has calmed down the girl who suffered so much emotionally growing up.”
“I’m glad. Sometimes we can help each other you know? There is a reason why we are in the same team.”
“Yes! I love you mind!”
“And I love you emotional body.”
And just like that, using the intelligence of my organism, I released what had been such a deep emotional wound and I went back to live my life with a new perspective.