Perceiving Love

I find myself sitting in front of my iPad writing because I have this need for a big connection. Perhaps like the human system wants to feel loved and not alone, my system is longing for that. However, it is a different kind of connection. It is the “I understand” kind, the “I feel for you” kind, the “I understand what it feels like to want to see love in a different way than it’s been shown” kind. Perhaps it is being showed in the way I want to see it, but not in the degree I am expecting it. As my system tries to understand and even more ... to see with different eyes, I sit here allowing the words to come because I feel lost.

This is something some Masters have said not to say, just like “I don’t know,” “I can’t,” and “I’m confused,” but the thing is, I must honor my own feelings and that is the absolute truth. I do feel lost at this moment in time regarding a specific topic which is “Perceiving Love.”

I grew up in a very traditional Hispanic family. My family is very welcoming, very loving, very caring. This does not mean that other families aren’t, but mine shows it deeply. Kisses left and right, hugging, holding hands, etc. That is the way. So for me this is how I perceived love, as that was the love I grew up around and saw my entire life. However, does that mean THAT’S love? Highly unlikely. I am learning that what I perceive as love or even any other thing is not exactly how others see it. Which becomes such a shock in my system because the way I had received love for pretty much my entire life, is “non-existent.” I put these words in quotation marks because the love is super existent. I feel it and very deeply. My mind understands it but my emotional body goes through a specific shock once in a while because it wants more.

Now, is that some kind of programming? How can I deprogram my system from this?

I do have to admit that breaking codes and deprogramming my system is quite fun and exciting. However this very specific topic hits home really hard. My emotional body gets activated and it takes me back to deep deep hurts from my childhood. All these things get activated and my organism goes into freak out mode. Not something easy to get out of, especially when the roots of how you felt as a kid get triggered and the child within wants to hide. Allow me to elaborate.

As a kid, I never felt good enough. I was the chubby of the family so there was a constant battle in my head about how I look and how society and my family wanted me to look. At least that’s how I felt. The not good enough triggers the “do they like me?” question and then it goes into “I feel completely horrible and I just want to hide” mind state. So I do. I absolutely do. I go into my cancer shell and hide because the part of me that doesn’t know how to face the world comes up and takes over. This doesn’t happen a lot. It truly didn’t happen often until recently.

In the past three weeks this part of me has been activated twice, leaving me in a state where I couldn’t function. So I sat there with the feelings acknowledging them, but they absolutely took over and now I know exactly why.

There is this perception of the Twinflame journey being all unicorns, rainbows and butterflies. However, even though yes that is big a part of it, there is also the complete opposite. The Twinflame journey is all about Self-Growth. It is the path of Self-Realization and it is not very gentle at all. Your counterpart does an extremely good job at mirroring to you your deep hurts and triggers. When the awareness is there in the sense that it has nothing to do with him or her, it becomes easier to work with such information. However, at times it’s harsh and it will just give it to you like no other. Such is the case of what I was explaining above.

Amor and I grew up completely different. COMPLETELY. I am putting it in caps so you understand how extremely different it was. The way we were shown love growing up was in different extremes. While my parents hugged me, kissed me and held my hand, his parents showed their kind of love with their own unique presence. Neither of them are right. They are just what they are. Each human being has its unique way of allowing the organism to express itself and they are all beautiful. My organism shows it with affection, with little details, with being of service to the ones I love. It is quite obvious when I love someone and I have no problem whatsoever saying it out loud multiple times. It’s just the way I am. So in a sense, my system wants the same thing as it has received throughout its entire existence so far. Well that is not always the case and the reason behind it is that we all have a different way of defining what love is.

I found myself in this battle between my mind and my emotional body. My mind understood it finely. I know how Amor operates, I know how his family is, and it makes absolute sense for him to be the way he is. However, my emotional body lost it. Everything it had thought was love was questioned.

“Is he not hugging me because he doesn’t love me?” My emotional body asked.

“Of course he loves you and you know this.” My mind replied.

“But... he is not holding my hand. Even my dad still holds my hand,” said the emotional body.

“And? He is not your dad and he has his own way of loving you. You know this,” replied the mind.

“I want to understand it but it confuses me. Why can’t it just be how I want it to be?”

“Because it involves another being not just yourself. And we cannot force others to feel the same way.”

“I just want to be hugged. I want to feel safe. I want to be in the same space I have always been.”

“Perhaps this is an opportunity for growth.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have been used to a way for so long.. yes that is true. But what about expanding beyond that.”

“Beyond love?”

“Beyond your definition of love.”

“Is it wrong?”

“No. There isn’t a right or wrong way to love. It just is.”

“I’m confused”

“Rather than going into a space of victim, of “Does he actually love me?,” why not explore what the two of you can create and define your own love?”

“Ah... that does sound exciting”

“Mm hmm”

“And unique.”

“Yes.”

“I like it”

“Do you feel better meow?”

“Yes. And thank you for using the meow.”

“I know you quite well.”

“Of course you do. Thank you. I don’t feel lost anymore. I actually feel at ease and myself. Somehow by you talking to me has calmed down the girl who suffered so much emotionally growing up.”

“I’m glad. Sometimes we can help each other you know? There is a reason why we are in the same team.”

“Yes! I love you mind!”

“And I love you emotional body.”

And just like that, using the intelligence of my organism, I released what had been such a deep emotional wound and I went back to live my life with a new perspective.

Self-Sabotage

As I continue to grow, more awareness hits me. Some are very lovely, some not so much. However, I welcome it all with open arms and with so much gratitude because it is such a big confirmation of my growth and let’s be honest, who doesn’t like that? I have gotten used to being uncomfortable. Of course at times is not easy at all. At times the ego wants to come out and run the show. At times it is difficult not to let it out especially when something has hit a deep emotional wound. When this happens, I used to shut down, go to the room and be by myself. I find myself still doing that, not as much, but now I give a bit of a clue to my partner that something is passing through me. Even though I am still perfecting this aspect of my life, I am extremely proud of the progress I have been doing. I used to be a volcano and in my eyes I was always right even if clear evidence and facts showed the contrary. Ha ha ha what a game we are playing! It is quite exciting when we remember not to take things personally and of course it can absolutely work the opposite way.

I have been in this conscious path for nearly ten years. I say conscious because I truly believe we have been in it since birth and beyond whether we knew it or not. I have learned to listen when things pop up, to take care of myself, to put myself first and also to apologize when it is needed. The later one was the hardest lol as my system had this code working full force. It truly amazes me the amount of codes and limited beliefs I have been breaking during the past years. Sometimes these come up and we don’t realized they broke until the full awareness comes through. I had a huge one that came to me recently: Self-Sabotage. Allow me to share this part of myself with you. Who knows? Perhaps some things will resonate with you as well.

A few days ago, Amor and I went through a journey. Such journey allowed me to see things more clearly and in a sense see the full puzzle and how each piece comes together. Cool right? Yes, indeed. Even though it was like being around unicorns and butterflies, I truly wasn’t aware of what I had gone through or done to myself in order to be where I am. A couple days later, this awareness came. Somehow Amor kept thinking throughout the day that I was in funky mood, but truly I wasn’t. I was observing and seeing his bodies as he was going though somewhat of a stressful time. I grabbed a book, “The Mastery Of Love,” (super great book by the way!) and went to the balcony to read it. This book has been hitting home since I opened it. I laid on the hammock and something told me to put the book down. As I explained above, I have gotten pretty good at listening to messages, so I obeyed. I put the book down and heard with my heart what was coming through.

I began to see my life as a movie playing through my third eye without any judgements whatsoever. I paid attention. Something big was coming through. I felt it deeply. It was like a Plant Medicine Journey, when Mami Aya shows you your life and what you have been doing with it. I saw the very first experiences where I had felt so lost, so alone. They kept repeating throughout the years. Little by little things kept unfolding and then ... it hit hard ... how unhappy I had been throughout my life, how much disgust for myself I had had and how destructive I had also been. Of course I had known this and this was something that hurt deeply coming out. It wasn’t like it had come out from one day to the other but for years! Years upon years upon years of self-hate, self-loathing, self-destruction. Painful for sure. When I think about how many years I had spent in that kind of mind set, it makes absolute sense the intensity of my awakening, trances and releases. However, the one thing I hadn’t realized until I was in the hammock was how much I had sabotage my own happiness and life throughout my years. This is what blew my mind.

I am just going to call it the plant. Somehow it feels best calling it that way. The plant began to show me, how I had kept destroying my outside world over and over and over again because what I felt within: self-hate. I didn’t think I was worthy of love, nor happiness. I found every single little excuse to sabotage it. When I felt happy, I thought that wasn’t the right mind set or feeling, so I would do something to stop it and go back into the fear or unhappiness mode. My jaw dropped. It hadn’t just been once, but multiple times. Countless times! I could not see how beautiful I have always been, therefore my outside reality couldn’t be blissful. Even though life kept showing me my truth, I kept trying to destroy it. Why? Because in my eyes I was hideous. I was the worst person and I did not deserve to be happy or to have such a peaceful life.

It was so obvious that we indeed manifest what we feel we are worthy of and how much life mirrors what is within in the outside world.

One of the most beautiful things I have created in my life, is the relationship with my ex. This is when my jaw dropped further. He is the greatest man. Truly. Hands down. I can tell you that he is the reincarnation of an angel. He is an earthly angel and one of the greatest beings that has ever existed. Period. I have always known it, but at times I forgot. Of course. Sometimes we go so inwards and forget what is around us or forget to actually see. Well, as I previously said, I had a pretty low self-esteem and at those moments I thought I wasn’t worthy of anything. So, I did things for him to hate me. I hurt myself many times. I tried to end my life. I tried to end the relationship many times prior to the separation, but it wasn’t because of lack of love, but because in my eyes, he was WAY too good for me and he deserved more. However, I didn’t know what I was doing. I can clearly remember those moments and I truly just thought I was bipolar. I wasn’t aware of the sabotage I was doing to myself until I laid on the hammock.

It made me think how many of us do this so often and don’t even realize it. Do you do it? Do you do it as much as I used to? Wow! This is big you guys! So big! Why do we not even think that we are worthy of all the magical things in this plane of existence? Blows my mind. Completely blows my mind. I know there is a “normality” in human society and we are born into it. This is the reason why is so important, SO IMPORTANT to practice mindfulness. It is CRUCIAL to practice Self-Love until it transforms into our true nature. It is beyond important to remind ourselves daily of how absolutely stunning we are! How powerful we are! Remember that if you don’t like something in your current reality, you can always change it. You HAVE the POWER to change it. Please remember that. We didn’t come here to sabotage our happiness, we came here to create the biggest blissful path the world has ever seen!

I invite you to look at yourself in the mirror and say looking straight into your eyes how extremely beautiful you are. Whether you believe it or not, it is true.

I invite you to imagine the happiest life that you could ever have.

I invite you to give yourself permission to bring that into your current reality.

I invite you to believe in yourself.

I invite you to forgive yourself.

I invite you to love yourself.

I invite you.

Will you take the invitation?

Communication: The Art Of Expressing Yourself

I had been thinking a lot about my communication skills. As every human being, I believe, I was quite awful at communicating. I feel as that should be guided a bit as we are learning to speak. Perhaps it was the fear of truly saying what I wanted, needed, the fear of expressing myself or not even knowing how to put my own feelings and thoughts in words; spoken words. Somehow I have always been pretty good at writing, yet when it came about having an important conversation, my system would shut down.

I truly wonder if that is what also happens to you, so if you will, I would love to read your comments. =)

Back to my thoughts. As a young child, I used art to express myself, being though drawing, poems, painting. My throat chakra was so closed that I truly had first no desire to say anything and second, it honestly scared the living crap out of me to say out loud what I was feeling, hence the hiding behind my art. As I continued to evolve in life, I began to realize that communicating was actually a really big deal, so I had to learn to do so.

Have you heard the “fake it till you make it” motto? Ya... that thing ... truly I don’t believe it works very well lol at least for me at times it didn’t. Even though I took a speech class and I went to architecture school having multiple presentations in front of a jury, I still didn’t know how to communicate. One thing, and of course keep in mind that this is my opinion based on my perception and the experience we call life, is to learn how to speak in public about a project or a theme, another one is to fully communicate. The communication I am referring to is the one from the heart.

How do we relate to others? How can we sit in a room with heavy energy and speak about what is bugging us? About being hurt? About our traumas? About our limited beliefs? About the human codes?

Well first of all, we must feel safe in the environment. Whoever is around must open a sacred space, if you will, to be able to listen with its totality. This includes a space free of judgment, fully engaged on what someone is sharing and an open heart. One must feel that even if “ugly” things come out, they will see them as how they are without feeling threatened by what has been said or previous actions. It is very important for that one who is listening not to interrupt as that might break the thought process of the one who is sharing. Last by not least, the most important thing is for both to feel unconditional love from one another, support, respect and honor.

When these points are put into action, a portal opens up. Of course that other things might come up to the surface. One might feel “attacked,” therefore explaining something with compassion is also a must. One must remember not to take things personally as one experience can be seen in completely different ways from different eyes.

The main thing about learning to communicate properly is that it gives us the big opportunity to expand further. This involves not only our personal self but also the entity that we are creating with someone else, whether is with a family member, a friend, or a partner.

I invite you to think about your throat chakra as a portal for Divinity to do its work through you. Even if you are not spiritual, think about a greater force, whether you wanna call it “The Greater You,” “The Best Version Of Yourself.” Now, think about this child like entity wanting to fully express his own experience through spoken words. Just like a kid, when they are super excited about the most simple things, this entity jumps up and down and skips sharing what for it has been one of the most beautiful things in existence. Have you ever seen a kid sharing something with you? With shiny eyes? With so much joy that is hard to keep in? Well that is how this entity operates. It is full of love and gratitude for everything that has been placed in front of it and all it wants to do is share it joyfully with the rest of the world.

Moments in life happen when this portal is pushed back whether is by force, choice or because one might feel cornered up. There is nothing wrong with that or any kind of judgement whatsoever, it is what it is. It is the human experience and no one is to blame. We came into this reality that had already set up rules of how to speak, how to communicate, how to express oneself, how to look like. So of course we will get caught up in this systematic way of living. However, even though this is a big code in the human existence, it is absolutely certain that one can break free from this suffering. Of course like anything else, it takes a lot of practice.

Let me ask you something. Would you speak up about your feelings, about what you think is not fair in your eyes, about your joys, about your experiences easier if there was not a fear of judgement? I can answer for myself. Of course. Absolutely. We must remember that even though yes we might have some codes operating in our system, it is our choice if we want to keep them or not. The first thing to break free from them is to have the awareness that they indeed exist. The second one is to love ourselves enough to give us the opportunity to experience joy. How do we even begin to do this? Simple enough, loving ourselves.

Love comes from acceptance. Love comes from forgiveness. Love comes from the biggest depth of our beings, where there is no judgement to anything we have experienced. At the same time, no judgement of what we see in the mirror. Everything is absolutely perfect how it is. It is very important to remember that there is only one You. So how can one tell you how to live your life, how to dress, how to speak if they are not you? Yes, they might shine some light to you, some guidance, but at the end of the day it is by your free will that you choose to accept the guidance of not.

Now, when you begin to understand that constant or minimal judgement actually infects your system, which spreads super fast, there is a shift that happens within. This shift shines awareness throughout your life experiences so you can be aware of your thoughts, words and actions more carefully. Of course, this is not super easy to accept. Keeping in mind that eventually it will not be as difficult can help you get through this. At the same time, ask yourself, “why are you doing this?.” Allow the answer to come without editing. I do it because I deeply love myself unconditionally and because I am worth living a life full of joy.

Take a deep breath whenever your operating system is about to go into shock. Sometimes awareness is not easy to take in. That doesn’t mean that you cannot do it. It is a process so be gentle with yourself. Going back to the throat chakra. When you continue with the practice written above, you begin to give permission to your own consciousness and system to understand and believe that it is beyond ok to express itself. Sure, at the beginning you might not be certain of how to say something, but the more you practice it, the more the channels open up, connecting your heart to your throat to your third eye, to your solar plexus and etc.

Look at your being as a system. When something is blocked or overworked, it wants a break, just like a computer. When something is not working properly, other parts in the system must work overtime to keep it going. There are times that is too much and it shuts down in a form of depression, addiction, etc. The opposite also happens. When it is functioning pretty well, there is joy all around you and you begin to see with the eyes of love. You begin to accept everyone how they are even if at any point in time, they had said mean things to you. That doesn’t even matter anymore because you know that beyond this so called existence, we all come from the same dot, we are all equal.

That being said allow me to ask you the following.

Would you give yourself a chance to experience joy

Would you give yourself a chance to live fully?

Would you step out of your comfort zone?

Would you stop hiding and allow yourself to fully experience who you truly are?

I do and I know most of you if not all also do as well. So this is me saying

“You got this!”

Because I truly believe in you.

System Restoring: Letting Go of an Identity

A very simple task turned into a big healing and massive release.

Allow me to share with you this part of me.

Releases truly know when to fully come out. I wonder at times if they are beings themselves and think “Oh! This is actually the perfect time to do so!” Meanwhile the human has no idea whatsoever what is about to happen. Funny. Funny indeed. I also feel that it doesn’t just begin there. Perhaps these beings had already communicated to the system to set up the release time and to make sure nobody else was around unless needed. YES. I TOTALLY believe that is the case. Let me explain why. I was getting ready to leave my sister in law’s house. I had to go to the DMV to do some paperwork and take care of something. My mom was supposed to come with me. However, she didn’t.

As soon as I sat on the driver’s seat I felt something creeping up. Honestly, part of me thought it was due to not sleeping well since arriving to Las Vegas. I had been doing constant work, I like to call it that, and truly hadn’t stop. I let it come up to the surface. One thing I have learned a lot in this conscious healing path is to let things come up and release them with love. Oh Lord... well this love... kinda hurt ha ha ha. I began to be in my head about where this was coming from. This is something I do quite often to understand what is happening in my system. Then it clicked while I was driving on the highway. Truly my system chooses the best time for pretty much everything!

I was driving to the DMV to have my name restored back to my maiden name. I hadn’t thought much about what that meant to my being. I figured it was just a normal thing to do. However, it wasn’t just a small little task. It was big. BIG. This completely put an end to a ginormous cycle in what I call life. This meant the end to an identity that I had had for more than half my life. So it wasn’t just something simple for my insides. They were mourning just how they mourned when we left Vegas. I hadn’t thought about it in such a way. So, I mourned and I mourned hard while driving. Mind you again, on the highway.

As I was understanding the mourning process, my body began to ache. It started at my chest. Something was being pulled. It felt as in someone’s hand, I like to think it was God’s, went through my chest, grabbed the last part of this identity and pulled it out. It did not feel very good. I commenced to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe. Something had hit me so hard. There was no way to stop. Plus if I did and a cop stopped by me, what in the world could I say in that situation? “I am releasing my old identity big time Mr. Cop,” I’d probably be arrested and sent somewhere I don’t wanna be at. Ha ha. Who knows. Maybe in that case, by God’s grace, I’d get a cop that has experienced some kind of awakening and truly understand. The point is that I wasn’t gonna take that chance.

“Ok. Breathe. Breathe.” I told myself.

I treated it as an Ayahuasca journey. Truly, that’s how it felt like.

“You are ok.”

“It is gonna be all ok.”

”Everything is ok.”

Somehow I believe I had to convince myself because honestly, it hurt bad, and the last couple times I had cried like that, I was meditating in my space at home. It is a little different when you are sitting meditating and releasing than when you are driving. Completely different.

As the hand continued to pull the identity out, I gasped for air even though it didn’t seem like anything was happening. My heart was shattering in a sense and it wanted to cry beyond what it was doing. So I did. I cried it all out. I cried the name with which I had identified myself for so many years. I cried for that girl. I cried to that girl. I cried to those vibrations. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried and understood that most humans don’t realize what a big deal this is. I hadn’t realize that until the moment of awareness with the crying. I felt so much compassion for my current self and my younger self. I showed her so much love and understanding. I let her know the identity served its purpose and it was beyond beautiful. I let her know she was going to be more than ok.

I relaxed more as the process continued. I welcomed it all fully. I understood this was the last step even though I had thought before it had been all done.

The crying continued. It was the non stop kind. Memories flashed in my mind. Memories of my younger self. Memories with friends. Memories with my ex partner. At the beginning it hurt remembering how much I had punished myself for taking the leap of faith on my growth and path. Slowly, it went away with gratitude. Gratitude for him. Gratitude for me. Gratitude for the life I had had. Gratitude for such a beautiful identity. Gratitude. Beautiful, beyond beautiful gratitude.

I felt the identity being pulled out. I gasped. I was speechless. I was tired. I was scared in a way to continue doing what I was doing. I felt the back foot stepping through the threshold. I was fully diving within the portal I had opened the moment I had said,

“I choose me.”

It was felt deeply. So so deep.

I arrived to the DMV and had to rest for a bit before going in. I took a deep breath and said,

“Ok. Let’s finish what we started.”

Part of me was hoping to keep the last picture because I did not feel pretty at all. Ha ha. Oh ego... hello...

I approached the counter to check in for the appointment. The clerk asked,

“Do you have your marriage certificate?”

“Divorce. Yes.”

I waited for my turned as I filled out some paperwork and felt in a sense so lifeless. Part of me was dying. I knew it. Breathe deeply again. It’s ok.

My number was called and I approached the lady. I began to play with my fingers because I was nervous and the waiting was killing me. Of course not literally. She said I had to take a new picture. I asked,

“I can’t keep the old one?”

“No, because you are changing names. It requires a new one.”

“I guess I will remember this day for the rest of the new driver’s license huh?” I thought.

I went to the line to take a new picture. When my turn was up, one of the sweet ladies said to me that I had to go back to whoever had helped me because my name hadn’t been written fully how the judge had said. She read my full name. The other lady laughed. I did too. It’s quite common honestly.

“I hope it fits,” I said to her.

“Well, they gotta figure something out,” she replied.

The name was changed. The picture was taken. I left the space feeling a little out of it. It felt I had just experienced my own death and I had just came back from the funeral. So things were still processing and I let them. I let them and I drove off to the next adventure.

Breaking The Vegan Code

I sit on my desk that overlooks the beautiful garden we have still hesitating about writing this blog. However, the message has been quite clear for the past weeks. Plus, I sent a newsletter earlier in the week saying this blog will be posted tomorrow... I did that on purpose. Yup, I did it on purpose because I know myself fairly well and at times I can convince myself out of doing some things. Let me explain to you the reasoning behind my hesitation.

Veganism can be quite intense. I am referring to the ones labeling themselves as “vegan.” Before I continue, let me say something. Know this is my own experience. This is the way my system sees and feels things based on personal events. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling oneself vegan. What people choose to eat, it is their right. This experience of life is the freedom to explore in different ways distinct things in order to expand your consciousness. I am not writing this blog for people to be upset at me or to call me names. If you choose to do so it is on you. I am sharing my experience because it is very important to expand the mind and see things from a diverse perspective. I respect every single human being, whether they are vegan, vegetarian, pescatarians, meat eaters, etc. I love everyone equally.

Ok, back to what I was elaborating on. Vegans are seen on tv protesting and being so strong in their own beliefs conveying that their way of life is better than the rest. Amor has a dear friend that used to do such things and his actions don’t make us love him any less. As a matter of fact, we respect what he is doing and what he has done in the past. He does it all from his heart space and he sees it as the right thing to do. It is all based on perception. So the reason why I was hesitant was because of my fear of being judged by people that have been close to me or are close to me at this moment in time. However, I understood that regardless of my beliefs, if someone wants to be in my close circle of friends, nothing will get in the way. And so I find myself writing this blog.

I used to consider myself as vegan. I labeled myself and I had no idea I had given birth to a code in my system. I saw it as “YES! I’m vegan! I’m healthy! I don’t harm any living creatures or organisms.” So, with the consciousness of that moment, I was doing the absolute right thing for my growth and for my system. Things changed this past July when a dear friend Serena went to Las Vegas to facilitate an innerdance (Kundalini energy activation) immersion. Amor and I were there as well visiting my family. Serena stayed with us at my parents’ house. It was completely awesome having her around. I resonate with her experiences so much and we both get our way of speaking in code. We were in the kitchen enjoying a small meal with my parents. They eat all kinds of things and deeply enjoy it. It is actually kinda nice watching them eat food that brings them joy. My mom had bought a pineapple upside down cake. My favorite growing up! Of course, non vegan. My dad asked me if I wanted some, I said “no.” He then asked Serena if she wanted a piece. First she said ‘no.” He made a comment and then she said “Alright. Alright. Just a small piece.” The small piece ended up being two pieces because one did not have some pineapple. This blew my mind.

I know how Serena eats. She mostly has raw food and juices. She doesn’t really eat gluten, nor eggs, or dairy. Pretty much a “raw vegan,” yet she doesn’t label herself as one. She enjoyed it. My dad’s face lit up. He was proud. After witnessing this, I began to observe the way I was with food. My mind would quickly go to “Is it vegan?.... oh no no no no then.” Pretty much considering one better than the other one. Soon I realized that I had boxed myself in the vegan code. I saw and felt how deeply that programming had been running in my system and I didn’t want it to be there any longer. If I choose to eat how a labeled vegan eats, it is one thing, but labeling myself and unconsciously building a code in my being ... no way. There is one thing I use all my practices for and that is to consciously break any codes and programmings in my organism. It is to be free from anything that society penetrated and placed a little seed which grew so strong. It is to enjoy my own existence in its own unique way, choosing what works best for it and what doesn’t. No labels. Being. Just being. So my quest to break the vegan code within myself commenced.

The way it works when something is too engraved in a system and wants to be free from it, is to be reminded of others that have broken the specific code that is being worked on. In my case, the reminder was Serena. I paid deep attention to my mind and my reactions. The reactions not only within me, but also the facial expressions, and the way I would move my physical body in order to communicate that something wasn’t agreeing with me. This non agreement wasn’t because I chose it, but it was due to the code. It was quite hard at the beginning. Almost like telling a lefty not to use the left hand from then on and only the right. The system has to re-wire itself and it is not something as easily done. Luckily, at the beginning I didn’t have many instances where I was put face to face with the code. Things changed during the very first night of an Ayahuasca retreat we were part of.

We were told to arrive at a specific time and dinner was going to be served. So this is when the code activated itself even more. I immediately assumed whatever was going to be served was going to be vegan... again... the labels. Well, let me tell you that it wasn’t. It was vegetarian. Ha ha ha. I received the bowl and saw this orange yellow thing in the soup. My mind freaked out.

“Is this an egg?”

Yup! It definitely was an egg.

“Fuck! It is all over this thing... I can’t... I can’t possibly...”

I caught myself. I took a deep breath and remembered Serena. No food is bad or good. It just is. Take a deep breath. Ok. Good. I saw myself staring at the bowl of food as I was calming my mind and trying to stop the “You can’t eat this” thoughts. They were SOO strong. I looked at Amor. I needed some validation that I could get through this. Yes! This is how strong the code was! He didn’t even look at me. He was completely enjoying the meal.

“Ok. Ok. Ok. You got this.”

I began to eat but I still felt my face morphing into the “ew” face.

“Calm yourself. It is just food.”

Slowly I continued to eat it. I forced myself to eat some of the egg but immediately my system went into shock because it was something you absolutely cannot do when you had labeled yourself as “vegan.”

I definitely didn’t finish it. I completely freaked out inside. I absolutely did not like the feeling. First, because the food was made with love. Second, I watched everyone around eating, they seemed to be enjoy it, and nothing in their faces showed a struggle. So I was the only one struggling to eat something just because it had some egg in it. Nope. I did not like it at all. I felt the code so deep. It was in control. It was in absolute control of my system and for me that is a big no no.

During one of the ceremonies in the retreat, the Mother addressed that:

“It is not what you eat that matters, but how it was cooked. Is it cooked with love? From which space is the idea of feeding someone coming from?”

This blew my mind. I began to think about our plant medicine family. In the little time I have been around them, I have noticed their deep love for existence. You truly get to know someone when you are going through a journey and someone else is taking care of not only you but everyone else that is a part of it. Their faces came to my mind and I felt their deep unconditional love. The love which drives what they do; their service to humanity.

“Ok. Ok.” I can understand that. In a sense I did understand. The fact that I was being like “Ewww! I CANNOT put this in my system!” Was separating the beautiful things the Creator had gifted us. It was a slap in the face saying to Him “this right here is poop!” And it’s not at all. Everything is equally beautiful.

Now, I will share something with you. Please keep your mind open. That is all I ask.

Amor and I have been doing this super powerful meditation for Global Sadhana. Pretty much since the very first day, I have gone under trances. Some of them are quite intense, some are beautiful, some are very gentle. A couple of days ago, I got a message about this code. It made sense, in a very funky way. Here it goes:

If animal farming and animal killing did not exist, would the vegan code even be here? Please just hear me out, because just like you might feel at this moment, I shared that feeling when I heard the message. The fact that the world reached a point where animals are just being farmed and killed to feed most humans in this planet in a sense gave birth to this code. In a sense, it helped people wake up. Why might you ask? First, for seeing how unfair it is for animals. Yes, it is unfair. I completely agree with it. Imagine a world with things reversed. A world where animals farmed humans to eat them, because... why not? They gotta eat, no? So at seeing this unfairness and even perhaps the look in their eyes as they are in a cage knowing, KNOWING they are about to be killed, shifted something within some people’s systems.

This is completely impactful especially when someone feels so much. Now, if the farming hadn’t existed, would the vegan code be so prominent? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps it wouldn’t even exist. Perhaps it would be the norm and it is not even a label. It would just be the normality. So in a sense, without this massacre of animals, most people that labeled themselves as vegans wouldn’t have woken up to a potential within them. This doesn’t mean that eating the way they choose to eat is the only right way. Yes, it is in their system, not in everyone’s. This is very important to remember. Perhaps the path of the ones who farm animals is to do exactly what they are doing to bring forth this revolution and evolution within some. When we look at this from this perspective, in a way, they must be thanked.

I know it sounds so incredibly messed up, but would you stand up for that strong belief within yourself if it hadn’t existed? Would you protest against animal rights? Would you stand outside a butcher store and call the people working there names if such a thing hadn’t even existed? Now... that’s big.

For me for example, I feel deeply, more than you can imagine; more than I can imagine at times. I cannot even kill a fly or watch someone else kill an insect. As a matter of fact, they speak to me and ask for protection. When this happens, I take them outside and let them be in their natural environment. Even when I sweep and by accident I sweep an insect... you know how much that hurts me? I tune into their feelings and it is not fun at times. I even apologize. As silly as that might sound to you. Why? Because I know I am not separate from them. I know that even though I am having a human experience and them an insect experience, we all come from the same Source. That being said, I don’t call myself a vegan anymore.

I choose to eat according to what my system needs. No, this does not mean I eat meat. What I like eating the most is juice and raw veggies with hummus and guacamole. However, I no longer make a face when something is not vegan. I no longer see food as “This is horrible!” Or “This is the greatest thing ever!” I see food as how it is. I see my system as how it is. If it sees something and it wants to try it, ok try it. Why limit your own beautiful experience based on such a deep code that runs from beyond what we can understand?

No. I choose not to live based on coding. I choose to live in freedom experiencing life the way I want and choose to experience it, not the way the collective energy is telling me how to live it. I choose to be free from every single code in this system. I choose freedom from limited beliefs and programmings. I choose to be. I choose to be this organism in its most pure essence, existing in this own way and leading a revolution of consciousness.

I choose the following words:

I am what I am and that is that.

My Guardians

I sit on my desk as I listen to Simrit sing "Sat Narayan" and at the same time the melody of the rain. Life is truly beautiful when we surrender to its flow and to the messages that might seem hidden. Messages are always coming through in one way or another. The rain has its one language. She speaks. So does the Sun and the Moon. The way one person lays down says a lot about the mental state of that particular moment. The way the eyes shine or not. The way one walks. The way a doggie looks at you. I can go on and on and on about different kinds of languages and messages. There is one kind I would like to concentrate on today.

I sat at this specific chair that morning. I was journaling as I watched attentively our garden. Something caught my attention as I listen to the subtleties of the trees and the fruits. I had to move side to side to make sure I was actually seeing what I thought I was seeing. I saw giant white wings. They looked like the ginormous leaves of a banana tree. We have tons of those in the garden. The wings were near them. Hence the movement to make sure I wasn't making things up. As we know, the mind likes to play tricks. I thought that somehow the Sun was hitting the leaves stronger than ever and it was making them seem they were white. Yet these "leaves" did not move. Neither were they leaning like the rest; they were pointing straight up.

I put my pen down on my journal and paid more attention to what my eyes were seeing and what my heart was feeling. Something within said,

"Go outside."

I did.

The moment I reached the porch that overlooks to the garden, something grabbed my hand and took me down towards a spot that Amor and I go quite frequently to watch the sunset and talk. It didn't scared me at all. The energy felt very similar. Perhaps if it had been the first time that something beyond my eyes could see held me, I might've freaked out a bit. However, this has happened multiple times before.

When we reached the spot, we sat down. I was sitting to the left of my Guardian Angel. I knew his presence. The first time he appeared to me, I was laying down on the couch breathing while a friend watched TV in my house in Las Vegas. He placed my hands on my heart and introduced himself. He didn't need much introduction after that. I know his energy. I say him because the name he introduced himself with, is considered a masculine name.

He began to talk to me about my path and how great I am doing staying on top of things. Although most things he said are very personal, there is one thing I do want to share about the conversation.

"Thanks for investigating and coming out of the house. I knew you would."

"Part of me thought it was a banana leave shinning super bright, but I knew better. Something within said to come out and I did."

"I am very glad."

"However, I am wondering why at this moment I am not seeing your wings and I'm just feeling your presence."

"You would freak out if you saw my eyes. You are not ready yet."

"Try me." What a human thing to say.

"You will soon. We are very proud of you. You've come a long way."

"Thank you. I know. It's been beyond intense."

"We know. Keep it up."

"Of course."

"You are meant to do great things and you will. You already are."

"Thank you. I know. I feel it. It humbles me. It transforms my heart into a heart that is beyond human. I have a hard time communicating at times. I feel I speak in code."

"Ha ha ha. Yes, indeed you do. The right ones will understand it."

A day or two later, Amor and I were listening an interview of Joe Dispenza about Light Beings helping him in his courses. This topic completely fascinates me as I have had the experience of these Light Beings helping me through my process. What truly caught my attention was his description of them:

Very tall white beings with a very strong presence.

Tall white beings... I have seen them before...

He said they can't lower their vibrations to meet the "normal" human vibrations because that would mean to lose themselves. Therefore, they ask humans to meet them in the middle. If they were to lower their vibrations to a human level, they might lose themselves, as in stop existing. This is something they don't do as they love themselves so much.

Tall white beings...

A few years ago in 2013, I was suicidal. I was at home, went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and went to the room. Apparently I wasn't sneaky enough because my roommate told my husband at the time and he rushed home from work. Yes, the intentions of grabbing the knife was to end this precious life of mine. The knives we had, were not just regular knives, but chef knives. Very very very sharp.

To be completely honest, till this day I am not quite sure what happened. It is all blurry but one part. The door opened, three ginormous white beings entered. I didn't like their presence. They were on a mission and it scared me. They walked like the owned the room. They walked so fiercely and so sure of themselves. They did not even say a word as they moved towards the bed were I was laying freaking out with Matt. One immediately went to my legs and held my ankles down. The other one went to my head and held it down. Matt pushed down on my shoulders. I screamed as the other one was coming towards my face. I tried to move around and throw a fit for them to let me go. I couldn't. I couldn't move. Their strength was beyond human and what in the world was Matt doing?!?! He should be helping me.

The one holding my head down opened up my mouth and there was absolutely nothing I could do to either stop it or close my mouth. I saw the other one approaching me with a syringe. I freaked out even more. I was so scared. I was so scared.

"Who are these people?! What are they doing to me?!"

I was injected in my palate with something. Whatever it was made me pass out. When I woke up, I was in Matt's arms. The door was open. I looked around confused.

"Did anybody come to the room?"

"No," he replied.

However, they had. I knew they had because the suicidal tendencies were no longer there. Rather than feeling hopeless and lifeless, I felt full of unconditional love. Matt saw it too. He saw my eyes and could tell something in me had shifted.

As Joe Dispenza kept talking about it, that memory came up. I understood why my Guardian Angel had said I'd freak out if I saw his eyes. I was gonna recognize him and it was gonna take me back to that experience. The next morning I talked to him.

"We had done the math and we had a specific amount of time in which we needed to do what was necessary to help you. We knew you were gonna kill yourself. It wasn't your time yet. You were making it so difficult."

"I was scared. I didn't know what was going on."

"Yes. We know."

"Joe Dispenza said..."

"Yes. We got back right on time. It was a chance we were willing to take for you. We are your Guardians."

I was speechless. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude came through. They... they... put their own existence in the line to help me... they almost lost themselves. All of this was done by the unconditional love to me... to ME. And to think that at those moments, I felt so lonely and that noone ever cared for me. Yet, they were there watching over me, guiding me even though I couldn't see them or feel them. My Guardians not only were there at every step of the way, but they sacrificed their own existence for ME.

To help ME.

To save ME.

Gratitude doesn't even cut it.

So I sit here sharing this experience with an immense heart. A heart that once thought it was just a human heart and now knows it goes beyond it. A heart that if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here writing these words. A heart that is never alone. A heart that when looking at things from the bigger perspective of life, is not even mine or theirs.

It's OURS.

Kundalini Yoga: Guiding me back to my Truth

It is quite interesting how I was guided to walked into RYK (Raise Your Kundalini), the Kundalini Yoga studio in Las Vegas, and make the first payment for the upcoming Teacher Training. Before I go into this, let me give you a brief information of the experience with Kundalini Yoga prior to this.

In December of 2014, I went to the studio for the very first time with a friend of mine. She had found something to do on New Year’s Eve, which was a Gong Bath. “YES!” I was definitely in. However, once we got there, it wasn’t just a Gong Bath, but some weird yoga. We had to take our shoes off upon entering, which was normal to me. When we entered the yoga room, there was this guy with a very strong presence sitting on something like an altar wearing a turban. “What in the world?” Prior to that event, I hadn’t seen anyone like that in my life. The exercises were kind of weird but a lot of energy was being built up, so I thought it was quite cool. Finally we laid down for Savasana and the Gong was singing. I swear my physical body moved and I felt I was having an out of body experience. It freaked me out.

Even though that space in particular felt so familiar and like home, I did not go back until I got a message that was super clean. A friend of mine from a Reiki circle did a past life regression on me. This is another experience that left me with my mouth wide open in disbelief. At the end of the session, he asked to talk to my subconscious mind. He asked the following,

“Is there anything Claudia must know?”

“Kundalini”

The fascinating thing about this session was that although words were being spoken through me, I knew it wasn’t me the one talking. It was almost as if I was behind the curtain, watching a play. When he brought me back, he said to me,

“Do you know what Kundalini means?”

I laughed. I knew. I knew that it was time to go back to that studio and get over the fear of whatever had been shown to me during the very first encounter. A couple months later, during a yoga festival in Las Vegas, “Vegas Gone yoga,” I took the Gong Bath class again, which happened to be AGAIN a Kundalini class and what do you know! There was a huge poster that said,

“Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training”

The signs could not have been clearer. I took a picture of it and decided to be part of it. I had no idea whatsoever what Kundalini Yoga was. During my first teacher training, we were told it was the yoga of singing... definitely not. There is a lot of chanting, but it is not just a yoga of singing. When I walked into RYK to make the first payment of the teacher training, Cosmin, the one leading the training said I was the very first one to sign up. I remember the curiosity in his eyes. There it was a “random” girl that perhaps he did not even remember making a payment for a teacher training she had no idea what it was about. That being said, it was one of the best decision I have made in this life thus far.

Kundalini Yoga ... inserting heart emojis ...

I remember the very first day of the training. We were all sitting on our mats looking towards the altar were Cosmin was sitting. He said to us,

“You must have done something so good to be sitting here.”

I had no idea what he meant at that time. I do understand it now and I am deeply grateful.

The practice of Kundalini Yoga, for my system, is one of the most beautiful practices there could ever exist. It is not like Ashtanga Yoga, Vinyasa, Yin, and all the other Yoga modalities. It is very direct and if you are ready for it, it will bring forth whatever is needed for you to let go of illusions and surrender to your truth. I believe that even if one person takes one Kundalini Yoga class, his or her presence in class means the time has come to wake up to the incredible abilities as human beings we have. Truthfully, it is such a blessing to be in a setting like that.

I would be lying if I told you the training was easy. No way. No way at all. It was the most difficult training I have ever done. Yet, it was one of the most beautiful; the second one being the next Kundalini Training I took with Yogi Amandeep in the Himalayas the year after. The reason why it was so difficult was because I was so in the physical and somewhat disregarded the energetic part of me. Even though I was already a Reiki practitioner, I had no idea what that meant and didn’t even know the parts that compose our beings. The deeper the training got, the more I was feeling the subtleties of my being. Energetically, I was being opened up in the most beautiful and rapid way. Yet, I still fought it. I did not want to let go of who I though I was and I wanted to keep my routine. I wanted to keep having fun. I didn’t think I was ready to experience more. I was wrong.

My being knew better. My being knew I was ready and it disregarded what my mind thought putting away my fear with unconditional love. I was pushed from being so much in the physical to experience the esoteric in the most upfront way. I began to have out of body experiences during practice and began to truly love myself. Not just my physicality but my true essence. I was floating like I hadn’t been in unconditional love to the Self and others. I began to understand what compassion meant and gratitude. For the very first time in my life, I did not need any kind of substance to feel good. I was high enough, super high on my own energy and I absolutely loved it. I stopped smoking weed. There was no reason for it. The only way I wanted to be high was by practicing Kundalini Yoga and experiencing more of my being.

During the Teacher Training, my Kundalini energy shot up. This was the biggest turning point of my life. Truly a complete 180 degrees change. I lost control. I didn’t know what was happening. Everything opened up that one night. I was hearing messages super clear as in someone was sitting right next to me. I felt presences around me all the time. The Kundalini Masters would appear to me and I saw them. It wasn’t like I said “Oh, let me imagine this one dude.” No. They would show up while I was having dinner, while I was driving, at any occasion I needed some kind of confirmation that I wasn’t going crazy. Thank God, because that is how I felt. The more things shifted within, the more things shifted outside. That was the scary part of me. There was no more “I can’t do this,” “I am no ready for this,” because obviously it was happening because I was ready.

As things continued to break in system, meaning codes and programmings, I couldn’t remain the same. I was different. A ginormous portal had opened and I was right on the threshold stepping through it. A bigger force was leading the way and I could not hold back. I began to go through trances. This would normally happen at night, right before having dinner or right after. An energy would be felt and my physical body would move in the most creepy way. My arms would move backwards, as in someone was trying to pull them back and detach them from the rest of my body. My spine would turn and at times would move like a snake, making an infinity symbol with the movements. My neck would do the same thing. It wasn’t fun at all. It hurt a lot most of the time. However, the reason why it was painful was because the energy was putting my physical body back into balance.

Every time my arms would be pulled backwards, my shoulders would readjust. The same with my spine, with my neck, with my lumbar, with my pelvis. I had so many imbalances in my physical body that to this day, I have no idea how it made it through the years. My right side was collapsing as the left was pulled upwards. My pelvis was tilted. The disks in my spinal column were turned into different directions. My torso rather than facing forwards, was facing the left. My neck was tilted towards the right. I know all these things because I have felt and still feel my body going back to its neutral position. The trances and feeling all these adjustments, made everything so real. I had been asking to truly know who I was and not only experience my truth, but also live it. I was for sure getting that.

Even though this is due to the practice, it wasn’t the only thing that shifted in my being. Of course when something like this happens, more is happening in the energetic bodies. Many traumas came up to the surfaces to be released. I began to remember my childhood and why I couldn’t remember memories from my early years. It was like a big explosion had happened at the core of my existence and everything that had been blocking me from experiencing my true essence collapsed and were moving upwards to my awareness to be let go and free myself. This is something that is not easy to do. But I had to trust, which is another thing this practice helped me tune into. The level of trusting beyond my abilities wasn’t something I knew how to do. Reverence is a big thing in this practice. I did it all with my heart because I did not want to suffer any more and I couldn’t afford to continue to suffer. So I fully gave in.

The Masters guided me. Guided this being into the light. I truly believe that even though I had a marvelous life, deep inside I wasn’t truly happy. As a matter of fact, I was miserable. I had a massive problem with self-image. I had struggled with anorexia and bulimia since a very young age. I had gone through a very intense depression where I was suicidal for almost an entire year. I hated my physical body and I faked it all very well. That was what hurt the most. People thought I was so happy and like I said, I was very happy with my partner at the time. I loved him so much to the ability I had at the moment, but I didn’t love myself and it was felt in every cell of my body. This darkness came up and I had no other way but to deal with it. It wasn’t fun. Many times I wanted to hide. Many times I wanted to run away. Many times I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or wake up in the future when all these things had disappeared, but that’s not how it works.

I went through it all with the companionship of the Kundalini practice. It was my best friend through it all. Even though at times I still had no idea what was going on, I did Sadhana. I realized that the three times I had stopped, I was dropping back down to a place I had been for so many years and I knew very well. I also knew I did not want to be there again. Only if I needed to visit for a specific reason and with a goal in mind. So I kept with it.

“Keep up and you will be kept up,” said Yogi Bhajan.

I did. I kept up with the practice even though at times I wanted to be lazy and do other things. I kept up because for the very first time in my life, I was putting myself first and my enjoyment in life. My happiness, my health, my abundance. It wasn’t about anybody else, but myself. I made it a goal, to truly get to know myself and to be in such a blissful state. I knew that I couldn’t had been the only person going through that. I was figuring out the way of how to let go of the identity I had thought it was me for so long in the most graceful way. It was all being shown to me. So much guidance through downloads and through meeting other people that were mirroring to me where I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life; as a pure example of happiness and unconditional love.

It has been more than three years since I took my first Kundalini Training. I still do Sadhana. I still wake up at four in the morning to take a cold shower, set up my altar, recite Japji, a prayer, do my Kundalini Yoga set and finish up with Aquarian Sadhana. Many people would drop their jaws at how long it takes me to do so and even perhaps give me the weirdest look. I do this all not because someone tells me, but because it has worked for me and it still does. Every day, as I sit in easy pose with my eyes closed, whether is meditating, chanting, doing Pranayam or being in an asana, my being breaks free even more. I experience more the Divinity that comes through as I surrender fully to that which is. I sit there, not only for me, but for all who have come, for all who are coming, and for all that are already here. I sit there as I explore more my connection with God and allow my heart to be the leader of my journey.

💞💞💞

My Best friend: The Angel Who Helped Me Release Deep Traumas

The power we have within and what we are able to do with it, blows my mind quite often.

I will share something so personal with you, but the message is the same I constantly share with you all and that's about how powerful we all are.

It was perhaps the second or third day I had implemented Japji and Aquarian Sadhana as part of my morning practice. The chants always hit home and this time it hit quite deep. Most of you that know me personally, know that leaving Vegas was the hardest decision and the hardest actions I had to take in order to continue growing. I didn't just choose to do such thing for the heck of it. There was A LOT underneath the surface. Leaving Vegas meant I had to divorce one of the most wonderful men I have ever met in my entire existence. My Angel. My best friend. A man that had been there for me always and had rooted for me even when I couldn't. A man I actually owe my life to. Literally. He didn't just save my life once, but a couple of times; without him, I wouldn't be writing these words to you.

The release of self judgment was intense, in the deepest way one can imagine and beyond. I worked on it even before leaving Vegas and I worked on it every day after. Every single day, because I knew it was a programming that was running deep within my being. He didn't hate me. He didn't resent me. He loved me unconditionally and still does, as I to him.

I knew something big was about to come out when I felt the pain in my heart as I chanted. It wasn't a normal pain. It was the freedom kind of pain and it was waiting for the right mantra to be release to. I sat there chanting in front of the altar and Matt's essence came and talked to me.

This is something we all can do. This is something that happens to me daily and not once does my jaw stay in place. He began to share with me his unconditional love for me and understanding. At the same time how proud he is of me for going for my dreams and amazed by my strength. He knew it wasn't easy. He knew it wasn't going to be easy. He was seeing me die once again and he wasn't going to allow it. That's why he said to me,

"Do what you need to do in order to be happy."

What a beautiful expression of unconditional love.

We went over memories together. Blissful memories. Our growth together and separate. Our laughter. Our silliness. Our strength. Our compassion for each other. Our understanding. I began to cry. First it was the painful kind of cry. Then he said,

"I don't blame you for anything. As I matter of fact, I thank you. You set us both free."

"Let us enjoy the freedom."

As we continued to go over our memories and share our thoughts about them, my painful cry morphed into the laughing kind of cry.

It was so beautiful. SOO beautiful and my entire being felt it. There was no more self judgment or self punishment, but an immense sense of freedom. So much gratitude for everything that we shared and for everything we still share. We said to each other,

"We will always have each other's back."

And I know. I so know that's true. There are a few people I would do anything for, and he is one of them.

When calmness hit my being, one of my crystals spoke to me. I had bought her in the Himalayas from a healer. I shared a bit of my story with him and he recommended to get her. He said to me,

"The Universe is within this crystal. Speak it to it and it will speak to you. Ask it any question and it will answer."

I took her with me to all places and even at times, put her in my water... until she was taken away from me in the Mexico City airport. Even though part of me wanted to be mad, I really couldn't. I knew I had never owned her and she had just chosen to be with me for the time being.

She said to me,

"You didn't need me anymore. You were already free. You are free. I was with you because at that time you needed me and the guidance that comes through me, but you don't anymore. You're free."

And to think that I still was feeling shitty about myself when she was "taken" from me. How many games does the mind play with us? It had been more than a month and that just came to my awareness. Then it hit me... I'm free... holy shit... I'm free...

I

AM

FREE.

No, you don't understand. You don't understand what this means. This is the biggest gift I have ever received besides my life. Freedom. Oh Lord.... I hurt so much. It had sucked big time. I had cried so much. I had woken up in the middle of the night hyperventilating. I had cried until passing out. I had told myself so many silly things. I had and I had and I had. And to be here, now, without any suffering. At peace with what happened and what is. To be at ease with everything knowing he also is.

Wow.

WOW!

What a gift... WHAT A GIFT.

I can't say I'm grateful because that word doesn't mean anything with what I feel.

Honestly.

Honestly.

The point of all this sharing is to bring into your awareness that miracles happen all the time around you and within you. We all have the capability of connecting with one another and help each other heal deep traumas. It doesn't matter that I am in a completely different country than my best friend, the unconditional love we both share is beyond anything. It can move the deepest hurts within us and comfort them, letting the being know, it's ok. And that my friends... THAT... wow!

What a blessing to have such a deep connection and share a love beyond anything. A love that can slap you out of self judgmental stages with such a Divine grace and care while at the same time, setting you free.

Freedom. That's what love is. Freedom.

Life: The Perfect Mirror

Last week, Amor and I returned from a truly intense yet beautiful experience : a 5 day Ayahuasca Retreat. For those who do not know what Ayahuasca is, it is a Master Plant. Indigenous people from the Amazon have been working with her for centuries; she shows you aspects of your darkness in a way that you can accept it, and “put your shit together.”

We had known prior to coming to Colombia that such a retreat would be extremely powerful, however we could not have imagined its magnitude. I will not go into details of my entire experience. Somehow, I believe that won’t be as helpful for you all as it was for me. The main reason is because, it was MY experience and you can imagine it all you want but until you experience it yourself, your imagination will not provide the benefits of sitting through an Ayahuasca journey and allowing the Mother to guide you through it.

What I will talk about is one of the things she showed me and told me; something I deeply believe we all need to hear perhaps more than once a week ... I know for myself, I needed to hear that way more often. That being said, let’s get to it, shall we?

It was our last ceremony and it was a morning one. I truly resonated so much with the Sun God and Mother Nature during these kinds of ceremonies. After receiving the medicine and sitting with her on the porch with the rest of what I can call now, my friends, I decided to go back to my little space in the garden, underneath two beautiful trees that had guided me so much during the first afternoon ceremony.

I was very surprised by my new strength in surrendering to the Mother and being able to stay present with my breath, rather than going into trances and allowing my own Kundalini energy to take over. As I sat with my feelings and gratitude for not going into the dark, yet still acknowledge it and loving it, the Mother began to talk to me:

“Life has always been showing you the beauty of your being”

Yet, I had never truly paid attention to that, as I had been stuck in being jealous of other’s beauty... external beauty. She showed me a memory that I remember way too well and it made me feel silly and laugh at myself. Here it is:

When I was young and still living in Lima, Peru, one of my best friends was a girl that had just moved from Italy with her family. Her and her brother enrolled in Antonio Raimondi, the Italian school in Lima I was attending.

This girl was and still is extremely beautiful, in and out. However, since I was caught in my own shit of not feeling or seeing my own external beauty, I always envied her. It was almost like she was perfect ... and truly, we all are... everyone loved her. She was funny, easy going and had a ginormous heart. I believed that being around her could make me popular (ego coming out), but I truly adored her. Somehow, she got me and we immediately clicked.

One time, she was invited to a party where my crush was going as well. Of course my jealous bar went super high up and I didn’t know what to do.

YES, I wanted to go to the party.

YES, the fact that I wasn’t invited made me feel more ugly.

YES, I was super jealous of her for being the “new girl” at school and getting all the attention.

YES, my ego was furious.

YES

YES

YES AND MORE YES.

I had come over and she was asking me for suggestions on what to wear. Ok... imagine my feelings. No, I didn’t want to help. As a matter of fact, I wanted her to look as hideous as possible... knowing... that wasn’t even an option, because there was no possible way she could ever be hideous. She was gorgeous!

So here is where my ego came out and fully began to run the show.

Instead of telling her which outfit she looked the best on, I opted for the one that wasn’t as cute. Of course, once again, it wasn’t that she didn’t look cute, the outfit I told her about wasn’t as sexy as the other one. My heart sunk. I knew what I had done to the one person I called my best friend. To the one that I shared so many memories with and even got best friends charms... what in the world had I just said to her?!

However, never once did I take my word back. I let it be.

I remembered, going back home and feeling so shitty not only for my choice of words but also because I knew how much fun she was going to have while I sat at home feeling so sorry about myself. Oh youth!

As I watched the memory, her face, my reactions and feelings, the Mother spoke,

“She was mirroring to you your own beauty. It wasn’t that she was the only beautiful girl, she was trying to express and communicate to you how extraordinary the beauty of your own being is.”

I smiled and felt so silly.

I felt so silly because of course she was showing me how beautiful I am,

OF COURSE!!

But having lived in such a society, remembering how much I had been made fun of for being fat and “not pretty,” not only from my family but also my so called friends; that was the only thing that was in my mind constantly. I didn’t have in my mind,

“Oh, I’m so pretty”,

but

“Ew! I’m so ugly, not worth anything and hideous! Of course no one wants to date me!.”

Mother continued,

“Life has always shown you the depth of your beauty. Constantly. In every second of your life, in every experience you have had, there was life mirroring to you how extremely beautiful you are in and out.”

WOW!

Just,

WOW!

At that moment, the movie of my life so far, played in my head. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude covered my entire being. Gratitude for that one friend, gratitude for every moment of my life, gratitude for myself and gratitude for all my experiences whether they were painful or blissful. I began to think,

“ How many of us, just go around life thinking how hideous we are, missing this one powerful point? Missing that in reality, life is not only mirroring to us what we need to work on, but also, how incredibly beautiful/handsome we all are!?”

WOW!

WOW Mother WOW!

It all made so much more sense.

ALL OF IT!

I stayed in that space, admiring Nature, admiring life and myself, with so much unconditional love and gratitude for every single breath I have taken and will continue to take.

Gratitude. Period. Gratitude.

So, this is my message and a powerful reminder to you all:

It doesn’t matter what you have gone through in life, how many people have hurt you, how many people you have hurt, what was said to you, what you said. It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is this moment in time, what we call the present moment and the beauty of life itself. How many of us go in our heads about our mistakes, our pains and hurts and totally forget to see the actual beauty of our beings?

You ARE beautiful!

You ARE powerful!

Life is CONSTANTLY showing you how truly beautiful you are.

ALWAYS

What a miracle that is!

So, pay attention, open up your heart and realize that despite of how you have felt in the past, there is an extraordinary beauty within you and around you. You are unique and that uniqueness gives power for your strength to come forth. That uniqueness is what is needed in this world. That uniqueness transforms your being and allows it to express itself in its own way. That uniqueness is what we all see,

The true YOU

I love you.

I know you have been hurt, just like I have, but at this moment in time, what is needed is our strength. What is needed is for us to own our uniqueness and work together as a team, whether we have met physically or not.

What is needed is US!

Being ourselves and showing the rest of the world that we don’t need to be like everybody else to feel ok. What is needed is to show the unconditional love for the Self as we surrender to our truth and allow ourselves to BE.

To BE

So much love to you all.

So much love and thank you so much for mirroring me how extraordinary I am and for being in this not so gentle roller coaster we call life.

I am deeply grateful for all your presences.

THANK YOU.

An Inner Dialogue

There come times in our life when life itself as we might perceive it, doesn't seem to be enough.

Is it truly not enough? Or is it an askew perception of what life truly is?

What if life itself is the most perfect representation of an unconditional love the greatest "being" is giving birth to?

What if life is being moved by That Which Is?

What if life is a constant movement of the perfection of a wave that shifts as it becomes more aware of itself?

What if thinking and perhaps feeling that life is not enough, opens up the space for life itself to be experienced in a way that is utterly perfect?

So here comes the thoughts.

The thoughts of an aware being that continuously opened up the space to be constantly aware as the shifts increased day by day.

When I was younger, I often felt completely different, in the sense that someone could possibly understand me. So I chose to hide, to hide in the depth of the uncertainty that was growing within.

I didn't realize how so not different I was until I ran away from my partner at the time, my family, my friends and the city I had called home for so many years. Asia for sure showed me that although I had been different in some extend, I was also equally as similar to some that had felt the exact same thing pretty much all their lives.

This was the moment that shifted A LOT of things. I had felt at home in so many ways before, but there was something unlike this feeling of home that I hadn't felt before.

I want to share something with you and please open up your minds and your heart in ways that perhaps you haven't done before, especially if you have "known" me personally for a while.

Although I had been living my life in what I called truth, I truly hadn't. No, it's not that I wasn't faking it, I honestly thought the one running the show was me, my true identity. However. The more I grew, the more I realized how something completely different than the actual ME, had been living MY life ... up until recently.

In Asia, in Thailand and The Philippines, I met extraordinary people. People that spoke like me, people that at times didn't need to speak, yet the conversation was still flowing. There was something beyond the spoken words, something in the space in between words and in the silence.

People that have done the work I was going through and I'm going through and can say "Oh ya, I went through that as well," making it seem like, it's "normal;" part of the process. Hearing such words made me think,

"Thank God. I guess I am not crazy nor I ever was!"

Can you picture the relieve I sensed? After so many years thinking that I was some kind of alien in this Planet. 😂😂😂

Following one's heart's desire is not as simple as eating a piece of cake ... well ok... that perhaps is not as easy either! 😜😂 but if we wanna talk about it ....

How many codes have been engraved in our systems? How many programmings since before we even know when existence truly began or what that word actually means? What is stored in our cells and DNA that prevent us and make it challenging to discover the greatness that is inside us all?

Wow... some deep questions.

Yes.

They truly are!

These are questions that pop in my mind as I see processes dissolve right in front of my eyes. Questions that would have appeared in a different manner if I hadn't met "my tribe" in Asia.

When someone tells you,

"Welcome home dear"

And your entire being tingles, you KNOW you have found home and the longing for it stops. Because you just know.

How did it all begin?

As I said, I ran away. Do most people ran away or they choose to stay?

I can't comment about others, but I can about this system; the system I call my own.

It reached a point where it needed to explore and not explore the world (it just came with it, which I am super grateful for it), but explore itself and find itself through such exploration.

It began to think,

"There must be something "else" there"

As the call to go back to Asia was so strong. There was such a magnetic pull that could not be ignored. So it chose itself.

It chose to allow its essence to guide and float in the pool of rivers that will lead it to the ones whom had been waiting for it.

It chose to flow with what we call life.

Was it easy?

Hell no, it wasn't easy. At times, it's still not easy, yet it understands.

It understands that codes are being re-discovered and broken. It understands that its TRUE essence is coming forth and guiding every step of the way if allowed. It also understands that at times the same codes that are being broken can seem to take charge if loosing the sight of things.

So where does the balance come from?

In this system, the balance comes from trusting there is nothing broken within, but in such a perfection as things are coming to the surface bringing more awareness.

The balance comes from knowing and seeing even if it was only for a split second where it came from and why it chose to come here.

The balance comes from accessing the space in between and traveling throughout the night to places that are thought to be imaginary.

The balance comes from that unconditional love that goes beyond what those two words convey; a love which moves it all.

The balance from knowing that you and me and everybody else, although seem to think are experiencing something completely different, in reality aren't.

The knowing that in a space where everything gets moved with such care and something beyond love, separation doesn't exists and in that space creation gets dissolved to its specific point:

NOTHINGNESS