A very simple task turned into a big healing and massive release.
Allow me to share with you this part of me.
Releases truly know when to fully come out. I wonder at times if they are beings themselves and think “Oh! This is actually the perfect time to do so!” Meanwhile the human has no idea whatsoever what is about to happen. Funny. Funny indeed. I also feel that it doesn’t just begin there. Perhaps these beings had already communicated to the system to set up the release time and to make sure nobody else was around unless needed. YES. I TOTALLY believe that is the case. Let me explain why. I was getting ready to leave my sister in law’s house. I had to go to the DMV to do some paperwork and take care of something. My mom was supposed to come with me. However, she didn’t.
As soon as I sat on the driver’s seat I felt something creeping up. Honestly, part of me thought it was due to not sleeping well since arriving to Las Vegas. I had been doing constant work, I like to call it that, and truly hadn’t stop. I let it come up to the surface. One thing I have learned a lot in this conscious healing path is to let things come up and release them with love. Oh Lord... well this love... kinda hurt ha ha ha. I began to be in my head about where this was coming from. This is something I do quite often to understand what is happening in my system. Then it clicked while I was driving on the highway. Truly my system chooses the best time for pretty much everything!
I was driving to the DMV to have my name restored back to my maiden name. I hadn’t thought much about what that meant to my being. I figured it was just a normal thing to do. However, it wasn’t just a small little task. It was big. BIG. This completely put an end to a ginormous cycle in what I call life. This meant the end to an identity that I had had for more than half my life. So it wasn’t just something simple for my insides. They were mourning just how they mourned when we left Vegas. I hadn’t thought about it in such a way. So, I mourned and I mourned hard while driving. Mind you again, on the highway.
As I was understanding the mourning process, my body began to ache. It started at my chest. Something was being pulled. It felt as in someone’s hand, I like to think it was God’s, went through my chest, grabbed the last part of this identity and pulled it out. It did not feel very good. I commenced to hyperventilate. I couldn’t breathe. Something had hit me so hard. There was no way to stop. Plus if I did and a cop stopped by me, what in the world could I say in that situation? “I am releasing my old identity big time Mr. Cop,” I’d probably be arrested and sent somewhere I don’t wanna be at. Ha ha. Who knows. Maybe in that case, by God’s grace, I’d get a cop that has experienced some kind of awakening and truly understand. The point is that I wasn’t gonna take that chance.
“Ok. Breathe. Breathe.” I told myself.
I treated it as an Ayahuasca journey. Truly, that’s how it felt like.
“You are ok.”
“It is gonna be all ok.”
”Everything is ok.”
Somehow I believe I had to convince myself because honestly, it hurt bad, and the last couple times I had cried like that, I was meditating in my space at home. It is a little different when you are sitting meditating and releasing than when you are driving. Completely different.
As the hand continued to pull the identity out, I gasped for air even though it didn’t seem like anything was happening. My heart was shattering in a sense and it wanted to cry beyond what it was doing. So I did. I cried it all out. I cried the name with which I had identified myself for so many years. I cried for that girl. I cried to that girl. I cried to those vibrations. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried and understood that most humans don’t realize what a big deal this is. I hadn’t realize that until the moment of awareness with the crying. I felt so much compassion for my current self and my younger self. I showed her so much love and understanding. I let her know the identity served its purpose and it was beyond beautiful. I let her know she was going to be more than ok.
I relaxed more as the process continued. I welcomed it all fully. I understood this was the last step even though I had thought before it had been all done.
The crying continued. It was the non stop kind. Memories flashed in my mind. Memories of my younger self. Memories with friends. Memories with my ex partner. At the beginning it hurt remembering how much I had punished myself for taking the leap of faith on my growth and path. Slowly, it went away with gratitude. Gratitude for him. Gratitude for me. Gratitude for the life I had had. Gratitude for such a beautiful identity. Gratitude. Beautiful, beyond beautiful gratitude.
I felt the identity being pulled out. I gasped. I was speechless. I was tired. I was scared in a way to continue doing what I was doing. I felt the back foot stepping through the threshold. I was fully diving within the portal I had opened the moment I had said,
“I choose me.”
It was felt deeply. So so deep.
I arrived to the DMV and had to rest for a bit before going in. I took a deep breath and said,
“Ok. Let’s finish what we started.”
Part of me was hoping to keep the last picture because I did not feel pretty at all. Ha ha. Oh ego... hello...
I approached the counter to check in for the appointment. The clerk asked,
“Do you have your marriage certificate?”
“Divorce. Yes.”
I waited for my turned as I filled out some paperwork and felt in a sense so lifeless. Part of me was dying. I knew it. Breathe deeply again. It’s ok.
My number was called and I approached the lady. I began to play with my fingers because I was nervous and the waiting was killing me. Of course not literally. She said I had to take a new picture. I asked,
“I can’t keep the old one?”
“No, because you are changing names. It requires a new one.”
“I guess I will remember this day for the rest of the new driver’s license huh?” I thought.
I went to the line to take a new picture. When my turn was up, one of the sweet ladies said to me that I had to go back to whoever had helped me because my name hadn’t been written fully how the judge had said. She read my full name. The other lady laughed. I did too. It’s quite common honestly.
“I hope it fits,” I said to her.
“Well, they gotta figure something out,” she replied.
The name was changed. The picture was taken. I left the space feeling a little out of it. It felt I had just experienced my own death and I had just came back from the funeral. So things were still processing and I let them. I let them and I drove off to the next adventure.