Last week, Amor and I returned from a truly intense yet beautiful experience : a 5 day Ayahuasca Retreat. For those who do not know what Ayahuasca is, it is a Master Plant. Indigenous people from the Amazon have been working with her for centuries; she shows you aspects of your darkness in a way that you can accept it, and “put your shit together.”
We had known prior to coming to Colombia that such a retreat would be extremely powerful, however we could not have imagined its magnitude. I will not go into details of my entire experience. Somehow, I believe that won’t be as helpful for you all as it was for me. The main reason is because, it was MY experience and you can imagine it all you want but until you experience it yourself, your imagination will not provide the benefits of sitting through an Ayahuasca journey and allowing the Mother to guide you through it.
What I will talk about is one of the things she showed me and told me; something I deeply believe we all need to hear perhaps more than once a week ... I know for myself, I needed to hear that way more often. That being said, let’s get to it, shall we?
It was our last ceremony and it was a morning one. I truly resonated so much with the Sun God and Mother Nature during these kinds of ceremonies. After receiving the medicine and sitting with her on the porch with the rest of what I can call now, my friends, I decided to go back to my little space in the garden, underneath two beautiful trees that had guided me so much during the first afternoon ceremony.
I was very surprised by my new strength in surrendering to the Mother and being able to stay present with my breath, rather than going into trances and allowing my own Kundalini energy to take over. As I sat with my feelings and gratitude for not going into the dark, yet still acknowledge it and loving it, the Mother began to talk to me:
“Life has always been showing you the beauty of your being”
Yet, I had never truly paid attention to that, as I had been stuck in being jealous of other’s beauty... external beauty. She showed me a memory that I remember way too well and it made me feel silly and laugh at myself. Here it is:
When I was young and still living in Lima, Peru, one of my best friends was a girl that had just moved from Italy with her family. Her and her brother enrolled in Antonio Raimondi, the Italian school in Lima I was attending.
This girl was and still is extremely beautiful, in and out. However, since I was caught in my own shit of not feeling or seeing my own external beauty, I always envied her. It was almost like she was perfect ... and truly, we all are... everyone loved her. She was funny, easy going and had a ginormous heart. I believed that being around her could make me popular (ego coming out), but I truly adored her. Somehow, she got me and we immediately clicked.
One time, she was invited to a party where my crush was going as well. Of course my jealous bar went super high up and I didn’t know what to do.
YES, I wanted to go to the party.
YES, the fact that I wasn’t invited made me feel more ugly.
YES, I was super jealous of her for being the “new girl” at school and getting all the attention.
YES, my ego was furious.
YES
YES
YES AND MORE YES.
I had come over and she was asking me for suggestions on what to wear. Ok... imagine my feelings. No, I didn’t want to help. As a matter of fact, I wanted her to look as hideous as possible... knowing... that wasn’t even an option, because there was no possible way she could ever be hideous. She was gorgeous!
So here is where my ego came out and fully began to run the show.
Instead of telling her which outfit she looked the best on, I opted for the one that wasn’t as cute. Of course, once again, it wasn’t that she didn’t look cute, the outfit I told her about wasn’t as sexy as the other one. My heart sunk. I knew what I had done to the one person I called my best friend. To the one that I shared so many memories with and even got best friends charms... what in the world had I just said to her?!
However, never once did I take my word back. I let it be.
I remembered, going back home and feeling so shitty not only for my choice of words but also because I knew how much fun she was going to have while I sat at home feeling so sorry about myself. Oh youth!
As I watched the memory, her face, my reactions and feelings, the Mother spoke,
“She was mirroring to you your own beauty. It wasn’t that she was the only beautiful girl, she was trying to express and communicate to you how extraordinary the beauty of your own being is.”
I smiled and felt so silly.
I felt so silly because of course she was showing me how beautiful I am,
OF COURSE!!
But having lived in such a society, remembering how much I had been made fun of for being fat and “not pretty,” not only from my family but also my so called friends; that was the only thing that was in my mind constantly. I didn’t have in my mind,
“Oh, I’m so pretty”,
but
“Ew! I’m so ugly, not worth anything and hideous! Of course no one wants to date me!.”
Mother continued,
“Life has always shown you the depth of your beauty. Constantly. In every second of your life, in every experience you have had, there was life mirroring to you how extremely beautiful you are in and out.”
WOW!
Just,
WOW!
At that moment, the movie of my life so far, played in my head. An overwhelming feeling of gratitude covered my entire being. Gratitude for that one friend, gratitude for every moment of my life, gratitude for myself and gratitude for all my experiences whether they were painful or blissful. I began to think,
“ How many of us, just go around life thinking how hideous we are, missing this one powerful point? Missing that in reality, life is not only mirroring to us what we need to work on, but also, how incredibly beautiful/handsome we all are!?”
WOW!
WOW Mother WOW!
It all made so much more sense.
ALL OF IT!
I stayed in that space, admiring Nature, admiring life and myself, with so much unconditional love and gratitude for every single breath I have taken and will continue to take.
Gratitude. Period. Gratitude.
So, this is my message and a powerful reminder to you all:
It doesn’t matter what you have gone through in life, how many people have hurt you, how many people you have hurt, what was said to you, what you said. It doesn’t matter. What truly matters is this moment in time, what we call the present moment and the beauty of life itself. How many of us go in our heads about our mistakes, our pains and hurts and totally forget to see the actual beauty of our beings?
You ARE beautiful!
You ARE powerful!
Life is CONSTANTLY showing you how truly beautiful you are.
ALWAYS
What a miracle that is!
So, pay attention, open up your heart and realize that despite of how you have felt in the past, there is an extraordinary beauty within you and around you. You are unique and that uniqueness gives power for your strength to come forth. That uniqueness is what is needed in this world. That uniqueness transforms your being and allows it to express itself in its own way. That uniqueness is what we all see,
The true YOU
I love you.
I know you have been hurt, just like I have, but at this moment in time, what is needed is our strength. What is needed is for us to own our uniqueness and work together as a team, whether we have met physically or not.
What is needed is US!
Being ourselves and showing the rest of the world that we don’t need to be like everybody else to feel ok. What is needed is to show the unconditional love for the Self as we surrender to our truth and allow ourselves to BE.
To BE
So much love to you all.
So much love and thank you so much for mirroring me how extraordinary I am and for being in this not so gentle rollercoaster we call life.
I am deeply grateful for all your presences.
THANK YOU.